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patterns

by the smallest one

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1.
the spark 04:02
in the time before we fused it was hard to not unspool but i didn’t want the truth i just wanted something nice i could abuse when you saw the spark in me i burned down your tulip tree & i tried to help you see all the wreckage i could leave but you closed your eyes & shook & pretended not to look now the days blur into months & i can’t promise fairytale eternal love
2.
i don't mind 04:07
let you in on my fears how i won’t let them steer i catch you daydreaming you pretend you were listening where’d you go just now i would love to hear about your trip i don’t mind if it’s dark or bright i just want your voice to calm my mind you’re in all of my dreams i’m always cowering but then i wake to find you making sure that i’m alright hold my hand help me understand the world inside your head i don’t mind if it takes a while no all i ask is that you try
3.
patterns 03:59
feeling it fade the warmth that insulates my head throughout the cluttered day pass me a drink feeling too sober thinking my circular boxed-up thoughts break me & the patterns that i fall into they’re slowly killing me stay near for a minute could you please convince me of my sanity under the weight the crushing throes of fate wishing i could’ve wrote this play pass me a pill feeling a bit too still yeah i could use a little fog take me to the middle of the line & cut it off so i can fly care-free of the shackles that defined me then i’ll have a chance at life
4.
wasting time 04:10
take me to the park didn’t want to but it’s nice to get out of my room in bed before dark fall asleep before the stars even have time to bloom quiet simple start in the morning light through the flower curtains coffee burning time get a little lost in the labyrinthine little world of every life but yours or mine & we wonder why but don’t stop wasting time watch the petals fall violent gusts of wind unpredicted in today’s weather feel the rhythm stop now there’s nothing we can do to help keep it going notice your soft heart turn to molten rock trying hard to pump but can’t break through the mould fighting through the long narrow corridor reaching desperately for something warm to hold we watch the sunrise & wish for one more try
5.
let you down 03:29
got off early headed home to surprise you heard you singing in the kitchen to your favourite tunes i stood there listening by the front door quietly i never heard a sound so soft & so pretty did i let you down was is something that i said you know you can tell me anything especially if you think it might hurt me then i approached you tapped your back you jumped three feet you killed the music turned the colour of a nectarine made me wonder what else you keep underneath & i felt lonely wondering whether you even need me am i holding you back is it something that i do i wish you’d just let me in a bit otherwise what are we in this for
6.
anchor 03:35
it came out of nowhere & i know that i just didn’t know how else i could’ve hidden for much longer the poison that’s been feeding on my insides from a source i couldn’t trace oh i know alone i can’t get to that place but i think i’ll be okay though it’s always been a struggle in some way maybe i’ve been here too long i just don’t know where to go anymore it all started somewhere above water at a place & time unknown eventually tied it to an anchor told myself, “now it’s the ocean’s problem” & so i close my eyes ignore the signs that the anchor hangs somewhere in my insides now i think i see the way though it’s dark & cold & probably unpaved baby i’ve been here so long if i don’t try my best now i’ll be gone
7.
if i told you ‘you won’t suffer’ carved you a promise in stone would you hold me in your arms still if with your touch it crumbled & broke? see parts of you in my reflection it’s unfair to you but i feel full can’t help but ponder the ending i’m not so sure i could return the pieces i stole i don’t want to become my grandma swollen liver, jet-black lungs drowning in unconscious self-hate & lashing out at everyone she loves shake off all the layers i’ve grown some shed but most stay behind cast out my line for a miracle all i catch eventually gets carried back out with the tide
8.
(time) 02:11
9.
apart 04:20
well it solved nothing in the end giving all our hearts’ worth we could spend when i met you i was certain we would live in a farmhouse where the dogs would be our kids & i don’t know how it ended like this where did it fall apart then i felt nothing for some days & i fell back into my ways & i saw you on a patio with friends you were laughing as if nothing had happened & i broke down in the parking lot downtown where i first said i love you & my heart beat out my chest when you said it back & promised we’d never fall apart & i believed every pretty word
10.
here 04:24
spent every day looking for you i couldn’t see how close you were but finally you said something felt like a dream spent every other day with you about three years, but felt like i had known you for most of my life it felt so right & i won’t leave you behind you’re one of my kind a faint lullaby singing me goodnight & though i don’t know what i’ll do i’ll be here for you i’m trapped in time, you’re on my mind hope you see yourself the way i see you, oh god, an angel lost but not far gone spend every day thinking of you & what you said, tears in your eyes your perfect girl, wish i knew why you feel so blue & i won’t leave you behind you’re one of my kind a faint lullaby singing me goodnight & though i don’t know what i’ll do i’ll be here for you
11.
reverie 01:31

about

this album is about the (mostly unintentional) circular paths we carve for ourselves throughout our lives, & how they can manifest in the relationships in which we happen to find ourselves involved. while a number of these patterns we are to some extent aware of, many fall under the radar of our own consciousness. in the latter case, it often takes an external entity to provide even a chance for us to see our habits - again, to some extent - for what they are. & in the case of this album, this external entity takes the form of one's partner in a romantic relationship.

i've always liked the idea of exploring & following the same character(s) throughout the course of one album or EP, but for some reason had never tried anything too much like it until this one. 'patterns' chronicles the relationship between two unnamed characters, from when they meet to when they're swimming in the memories of when they were once romantically fused, exploring the potential causes & effects of each event in between that may have led to the final track.

this is an album about love & all of its caveats; about the unconscious mind & the impossibility by its own host to uncover, & the hypocrisy this inevitably yields; about expectations & disappointment; about the consequences of inaction; about the flaws of human consciousness despite our own perceived self-importance; about the search for 'home' & the trials that introduce themselves seemingly for the sole purpose of personally attacking you / unnecessarily prolonging this search; about beginnings & endings. (in short, i now see, this album is an amalgam of each of the themes explored in my previous LPs, thrown into a specific romantic relationship, & so rendered somewhat unoriginal & borderline self-plagiarism, & i may just sue myself.)

anyway, i hope you all enjoy this thing i've worked on for 6 months, & for those of you that do, we can all thank covid-19 for a june release, rather than an august or september one.

credits

released June 18, 2021

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about

the smallest one Calgary, Alberta

my name is mason & i like to write songs about things.

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